Crossroad

Lately I feel as though I am at a place of a spiritual crossroad. I know that there are always pivotal moments in our lives, where old mind sets have to be abandoned, new outlooks embraced, former ways and methods are exchanged for the new unconventional and sometimes uncomfortable changes that further us on our walk in God, our faith is challenged and tested. We find out the what I REALLY believe about what I believe. This is where I find myself, wanting to cling to the familiar, remembering the leeks and garlic of the past but not the mud and bricks. Often when we've heard the preachers speak on not returning to Egypt, it was always compared to the world, returning to our former unconsecrated lifestyles. But my Egypt isn't returning to a club scene, a degenerate existance filled with drugs drinking and the like. No my Egypt is a spiritual state of bondage My past experiences in church that held me captive by manipulation and fear. I enjoyed the leaks, great worship times, manifested genuine moves of God, but there were also the man-made movements that guilted me into giving, required me to put the church demands and ministry responsibilites above the needs of my family, or even my intimate relationship with Jesus. Years of spiritual abuse had left me bitter, broken, and confused.
I truly thank God for the spiritually healthy brothers and sisters He has brought into my life who have nursed me back to health. Their words sometimes seemed to be in such direct contradiction to what I'd been taught, but totally upheld by the Supreme Word, which I can never question. Their love was consistent, never based on what I did or didn't do, who I was, or who I thought I was,or who they thought I should be, it was love just flowing from hearts that expected nothing more than what I was able to give. Their character open and honest. Pursuers of pure lifestyle, but able to admit their failures and shortcomings openly and honestly, not as excuses for their limitations, but as witnesses to their need for saving. But often these vessels of honor are so practical in their purpose. Often lacking the flair and grandeour that I am accustomed to, however I love the simplicity..still longing for the more...
Here is where my 2 roads converge..how do you pursue the more, the greater, the deeper, without losing and neglecting the greatest and most. Has my pursuit of Him, become greater than Knowing Him? Has the trip become more important than the destination? How do you move in power and operate in grace? I want to experience the supernatural in my natural. I want my hands to be used for healing, not just on a prayer line but on a soup line. I want to be used mightily but quietly. To do the greater works while becoming a greater person. I am walking cautiously to make sure the road I walk is the road that He is leading me on, not the one I choose, but the one that has been chosen for me....